The Saddest Thing

This day on Christmas eve I went to church. I haven't been in about five years but I realized that I'm going to be brave and go more often now. Afterwards, I went to Univeristy Hospital here in Cincinnati to visit my husband who happened to be on-call. Once I got to see him, I went and chatted w/ my friend who worked at the reception in the emergency room. Well I ended up staying for a really long time.
While I was there I got to see a really sad event unfold in front of me. We were told that there were going to be some friends and family members coming in of four people who just got shot. Then I saw that all of a sudden about 10 to 15 people come in asking for one person's name. They seemed to be all worried and eager to see this person. After waiting about 20 mins. one lady who was in the social worker's office came out and started screaming. Everyone else reacted likewise and the whole ER waiting area was full of people yelling/crying/screaming. A few of the realtives/friends reacted w/ rage and they seemed like they were going to go right out and find the person who did the shooting. I've never seen so much sorrow in one room. As I sat watching them, I felt myself starting to tear up as well. It's just so sad that this person just so easily lost their life leaving all those people who loved her.
One of the faces that I will probably never forget was of her ten year-old son. As I was watching him sobbing, I thought how he probably will not end up doing well as well... He will forever think of how his mother was killed just randomly on Christmas eve. The time when people are celebrating the coming of Jesus...not of the death of their mother. Where is this world coming to?

What Should I do?

There are so many plans that I made in the coming days for "fun". I'm just worried that I won't have too much time to do what's really important to me right now. Not like I have been doing them recently...but the guilt is mounting on me like a backed up sewer. Smells like it too. I've skipped the last five classes for Kaplan. After spending 15 hundred on it... I mean I know I will make it up. But will there be time for me to catch up? I'm such a lazy s.o.b. Zhen thinks that I've given up for good now, just that I don't realize it yet. I think a part of me does...just that I'm not ready to admit defeat. It'll probably be the day after MCAT that I will.
Sometiems I feel like the world does not understand. The fact that I've never really had to study for anything in my life and now I'm facing something that will need me to hanker down...it's just all so overwhelming. When I get too overwhelmed, I just shut down. It's just the way I am... such a baby. :-(

I've Been "Away"

The reason I have not been doing much posting lately is that it has been about six weeks since my dear grandfather got hit by a car. He is doing much much better considering that he suffered a broken leg, neck, and cracked his head which caused a subdural hematoma. I was just so traumatized by the event that I haven't been able to do much of anything lately. That...and I have been getting sick ever week or so. I guess since I'm so stressed about what happened. Just one thing I would like to say about everything. Most of the police officers I have met (along w/ accounts from other foreigners) so far are racists and they behave just like they are members of the KKK. No wonder all the rioting happened a few years ago here in Cincinnati. I am not sure I will ever forgive them for their treatment of my grandparents' incident.